Another draining day at an out patient psychiatric clinic, trying to convince people to stop acting against their own selves. How amazing is the human need for self-destruction. You look in to another person’s eyes as if they are ready to defend themselves. They are ready to jump into an offensive stance, as if they are afraid for if they are not quick enough they will be pushed into a defense.

Working as a Psychiatrist for past 17 years I have seen many faces, thousands of stories. Every story is different from the other only to be similar at a higher level. Only defenseless people are the one who’s minds are struck with true medical illnesses, and those are few and far in between. They don’t make much eye contact, or say much, as if they are ashamed of their problems. It is not clear if they have any understanding of their problems or what they are feeling.

It is easy to find defenseless people in a psychiatry clinic setting. But in life when we meet hundreds of people every day, at home, at work, in the coffee shop in passing through traffic, some of them we talk to, some of them we only see eye to eye and some of them remain in the background, in our peripheral vision. What about these people? They all have stories like ginger roots; they have stories that come out of other stories and the roots that are inter-mingled in these stories.

I am beginning to notice that life is very still. Everyday is the same as the previous one and we are all frozen in it like a wax statue, very life like, but still frozen. We have no choice in what we do, who we are and where we are. It is up to the artist to make us who we are, make us do what we do and send us where ever. I think the beauty of all this is the microchip of intelligence or is it the microchip of utter stupidity, which is implanted in our brain. This chip enables us to have “free will”, human beings are deliriously ecstatic about having the “free will”. They use their free will to deny help, guidance, rational thinking, and evidence base logical solutions. Free will is exercised each day to support a certain religion, a certain racial group, a unique ethnic group, or cultural beliefs. There are people who grow up in a certain class and have an illusion that, after watching CNN or reading certain books or belonging to a faith based community they know everything about everybody else in the world. They exactly know what everybody needs to do, be or want.

I have read the story of Moses, Jesus and Mohammed, many times in different contexts and through diverse religious beliefs. One thing that is strikingly common between all of these stories is that once they saw the reality they were unable to stay with the illusion. It was not an option to go back to the delusional dimension they grew up in, or their peers were living in. They were not very successful in the beginning life time in convincing people about there point of view. The books and commandments they brought forward were candidly confronting and other then a handful of people nobody was ready to confront their way of being. Again the microchip in our brains was ready to resist any logic, facts or evidence.

I am at the similar place these days. I have seen humanity in so many forms, races, religions and cultural classes that to see them as one or many different people is impossible. I believe, believing in anything is not an option. I don’t believe in my instincts as I have seen many stories where completed suicides or homicide were the result of some trustworthy instinctual decisions. I don’t believe in the religion as I was taught, as it self contradicts. I am amazed that the adults who were teaching the religion did not question the utter theatrical and delusional basis of their teaching. Here I want to emphasize that religion, “As I was taught”. I am Muslim and a follower of Allah, Quran, Bible, Torah and 10 commandments. I believe in any and every prophet that has existed. I do not claim to know that I exactly know who they were. I don’t believe in the culture I grew up in, as after I came to know the true history of Hindustani Muslim Culture, Glory of Moguls was no more then atrocities of Pharos or Romans or Tatars. How was it different? How was taking the homeland form Hindus and calling it our country not barbarous but all this does not amaze me. What amazes me is that for centuries, average intelligent adults, not only did not see it or question it but also taught that to their generations as some glorified fairy tales.

I don’t believe in the humanity, as humanity is nuclear to the point being everyone for them-selves.

So what is left to believe? I am not sure. The day I am able to help one helpless adolescent through the sexual abuse he or she has gone through and the insanity of rejection by other parent or family, I would believe. The day I am able have an impact on everyday, successful people, to see their everyday failures, as they appear in their relationships, their kids’ drug use or their vanity exhibition, I would believe. They day I can save one little kid from going back home to possible abuse and prevent that abuse to happen I would believe. The day I can make a difference with my own blood that class, race, religion and culture are not uniting but divining tools, I would believe.